Andy Harris, Placed in Ambulance, Leaps Out the Back

"Listening to Obama, I began to retch. My staff panicked. "


Calling a (Dissociated Press) reporter to the D.C. condo he shares with Marion Berry ("Marion's my role model - he always campaigns one way, and then goes and does the opposite") Representative Andy Harris was interviewed in the afternoon of April 13, 2011.


"I decided to listen to President Obama give his budget speech this afternoon," Harris said.


"I thought I could handle it but I was wrong," Harris said.


"When the President pointed out that GOP budget proposals cut both transportation and education by more than 20%, I started to throw up. I knew we couldn't come up with anything to counter that. 


"Then, when Obama pointed out that the income of the super wealthy had gone up hundreds of thousands of dollars each year while we Republicans still gave them tax cuts, I ran over to the waste basket and lost my lunch. Even the Tea Party crazoids can't deny that."


"And that's when my staff panicked and called 911."


"Embarrassing, being rolled out of the Cannon Building on a stretcher."


"Not as embarrassing as opposing health insurance for everyone else, while asking for federal health insurance for me, but still . . ."


"Since I wasn't really sick, I jumped out the back of the ambulance when we slowed down at Dupont Circle." 


"Lucky for me, there were couple homeless people just lying there and they broke my fall."


". . . I'm fine . . . thank goodness."




Source: Obama’s Speech on Reducing the Budget (Text); New York Times: 


". . . A 70% cut to clean energy. A 25% cut in education. A 30% cut in transportation. Cuts in college Pell Grants that will grow to more than $1,000 per year. That's what they're proposing . . ."


 . . . We cannot afford $1 trillion worth of tax cuts for every millionaire and billionaire in our society. And I refuse to renew them again."
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/14/us/politics/14obama-text.html

END

  

ANDY HARRIS THRILLED TO CUT MONEY HEADED FOR MD 1ST DISTRICT

(Dissociated Press) "Now, At last, We Are Getting Somewhere!!"




So ran the headline of a Release given to a Dissociated Press reporter on April 12, 2011. 


Personally handing out the release, Harris explained that, in a cost-saving gesture, there would be only one copy of the press release available. Harris asked if the Dissociated Press reporter would share the document with other interested reporters.


Sure.


The statement reads in toto:


"Your Congressman, Andrew Harris, MD-1, is proud to announce that funds intended for use in the District will be withheld."


"As a doctor (a gas passer, in case you have forgotten) I am especially proud to support a $504 million reduction in the Women, Infants and Children Nutrition Program."


"We on the Tea Party side have been shouting about the absurdity of spending tax dollars on nutrition for poor children and infants."


"Think about it! This will also solve obesity in kids, too - at least the poor ones." 


"The rich kids can work it off at Brick Boodies or some place. We in the Congress need to see to it that poor kids eat a lot less." 


"Now, with the kids out of the way, it will be easy to continue funding corporate farm subsidies in the Midwest and oil exploration allocations in the Gulf or wherever." 


"Oh, and we cut the EPA by $1.6 billion!" 


"And Homeland Security will lose $226 million!"


"We capped the TSA work force and cut FEMA first responder money by $786 million."


"And that's not all, folks."


"Community health centers are going to lose $600 million, and disease-prevention funding is cut by a billion dollars."


"As a doctor, I could not be more proud!"


"Think about it this way. If we don't identify diseases, we don't need to provide money to treat them. It's like the diseases don't even exist!" 


"All this means a lot of First District and Maryland jobs have just blown up! I could not be happier!"


"After defunding nutrition programs, the cut I am especially proud of is in federal highway money - down by $650 million."


"I just can't wait to travel - hopefully not by car - back to the Eastern Shore and suck up the love for that one."










SOURCE:


Six-month spending bill unveiled: What's cut and what's not - TheHill.com

END

HARRIS COMPARES TEA PARTY TO TALIBAN

(Dissociated Press) Speaking to a group of reporter in his congressional office at 6 AM Saturday morning,  a flushed Andy Harris announced that he was disappointed that his GOP colleagues in the House and Senate had agreed to keep the government open.


"We have missed a real opportunity here to drive home the point that women and women's health is a contradiction in terms."


"The Tea Party and the Taliban have a lot in common, which is a genuine disgust for feisty women."


"It is certainly not enough for me," Harris said, raising his voice,"that we defund abortion services. We have to completely defund organizations that provide health care to poor women."


"We have to be-head these groups!"


"Don't kid yourselves. That's why I came here to Washington." 


"This sort of literal cutting is a lot more important to me than overall reductions in the federal budget, which is why I have already voted to increase federal spending."


"Look at my record." 

"I am a co-sponsor of HB 217, legislation that will amend the Public Health Service Act to prohibit ANY federal family planning assistance."

"That means that women won't be able to get preventive medical care and will have to wait until they are sick and then have to go to an ER." 

"ER visits rather than preventive health care through an insurance plan will cost more money than the government spends now, but so what?"

"The whole point is to demean women."

"That is what I am about." 

"And don't forget my co-sponsorship of HB 358, the Protect Life Act. This bill prohibits federal funds from being used to cover ANY part of the costs of ANY health plan that includes coverage of abortion services."

"Of course, this provision, if we can get it passed into law, will also force women to the nearest ER, after they are too sick to work or take care of their kids - which is great!" 

"I am happy to cut the budget, except of course for subsidies for oil exploration and stuff like that, but I will live with increases in federal expenditures, like ER costs, so long as fewer programs are out there that offer preventive health care for women."

"I was really happy to vote to make rape a legal mode of conception, such as in HB 3, when it was introduced. I will be looking to make other changes in the criminal laws, in the months ahead."

"My message to women? Marry a rich guy, and do what he wants." 

END 

  

HARRIS TO DONATE HIS SHUTDOWN SALARY TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD

(Dissociated Press) Congressman Andy Harris has announced that he will donate his shutdown salary to a charity - Planned Parenthood.

In a statement first released from his office on April 1st Representative Harris stated,

"It is ridiculous to  defund an entire nation in order to bar funding for a single organization."

"I personally can see the difference between funding abortion services and funding other services for women's health."

"I regret my earlier vote to block funding for Planned Parenthood, since this group does not use any federal money for abortion services anyway. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe my chair in the House is too close to Rep. Pence." 

I have asked the Sargent of Arms to re-locate me, if he can." 

"Finally, let me add this:

"April Fools!!

"Of course we ought to de-fund Planned Parenthood!"

"The only people this organization serves are poor women and who wants that!"

ANDY HARRIS: 'I JUST VOTED TO LOWER THE VALUE OF YOUR HOME. SORRY'

Andy Harris, walking arm-in-arm with a lobbyist for the banking industry, was stopped at 15th and New York by a (Dissociated Press) reporter, who asked the Congressman from Maryland's First Congressional District to confirm that Harris voted YES to defund the Home Affordable Modification Program. HARRIS: Why, yes, I did. That was HB 839. I am proud of that vote. ( Congress.org - Key Votes ) REPORTER: Isn't that the program that allows people who are under water to stay in their homes? HARRIS: No, that's the Obama socialist housing agenda that lets deadbeats off the hook. Now they get what they deserve, a boot in the backsides out of their homes. REPORTER: Did you vote to replace the program with anything? HARRIS: No. REPORTER: What happens to the homes that the banks put into foreclosure? HARRIS: They all go back into the housing market. REPORTER: Won't a glut of below-market homes suddenly coming on to the market lower housing prices for everyone in the First District and across the country? (NOTE: See Source, below.) HARRIS: . . . eh . . . REPORTER: Mr. Harris, Won't that lower housing prices for everyone? HARRIS: . . . Gotta go . . . REPORTER: Mr. Harris, what do you say to your constituents who have to sell their homes and discover they have lost value because of so many bank-owned homes on the market?  SOURCE: March 29, 2011 Washington, DC -- John Taylor, president & CEO of the National Community Reinvestment Coalition (NCRC) today made this statement about the anticipated House vote to terminate the Home Affordable Modification Program (HAMP): [. . .  ] Congress decision this week to eliminate HAMP does nothing but cause further agony to the millions of hard-working families who are on the brink of losing their homes. [. . .] Our government needs to stop tip-toeing around the housing crisis and start addressing it head-on with concrete, actionable solutions that lend a hand to the American people rather than providing yet another escape hatch for Wall Street. [. . .] The economy will never fully recover if the foreclosure crisis is not addressed in any real way.  [. . .] with nearly 11 million foreclosures starting us in the face, [. . .] attempts to stem the tide of foreclosures [. . .] don't begin to tackle the magnitude of the problem. http://www.communityinvestmentnetwork.org/nc/single-news-item-states/article/elimination-of-hamp-would-only-prolong-the-foreclosure-agony/?tx_ttnews%5BbackPid%5D=1684&type=98 Andy Harris - gotta go END

MESSAGE FROM ANDY HARRIS, APRIL 1ST

If you are going to report on my legislative record, get it right. You have not listed all of the bills which I am co-sponsoring. I am proud to report that many of these bills have nothing to do with fiscal matters and everything to do with federal involvement in the private lives of my constituents. I favor this sort of involvement, which is what being pro-life is all about.

I have co-sponsored  HB 217:

This bill will change Title X of the Abortion Provider Prohibition Act.

The effect of this bill will be to amend the Public Health Service Act to prohibit the Secretary of Health and Human Service (HHS) from providing ANY federal family planning assistance to ANY entity unless the entity certifies that, during the period of such assistance, the entity will NOT perform, and will NOT provide any funds to any other entity that performs, an abortion. 

This bill, as introduced, will not permit any entity who accepts federal money to use money from some other source, to provide abortion services.

I am also a co-sponsor of HB 358, the Protect Life Act. 

This bill amends the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA).

This bill prohibits federal funds from being used to cover ANY part of the costs of ANY health plan that includes coverage of abortion services. 

The philosophy behind these bills is to prohibit abortion services from being paid for by non-federal funds and even by private funds.

While these two bills might be seen as unwarranted intrusions of federal power into how state or private money may be spent, this approach is in keeping with my personal philosophy of government.

My philosophy of government is simple:


Whatever conduct I don't like ought to be illegal.


People I don't like, such as obstetricians and their patients, ought to be treated like criminals.


That's it.


ANDY HARRIS
April 1, 2011

END

ANDY HARRIS - 'THESE GUYS ARE TOTALLY GAY FOR ME'

(DISSOCIAED PRESS) In a spontaneous display of affection from lobbyists, Rep. Andy Harris, MD, was carried along K Street this morning, on the shoulders of a dozen or so gleeful white males. 


Shouting "Andy! Andy!" the grinning crowd put Andy down only after he pleaded that he could not be late for a breakfast appointment with the NRA's Wayne LaPiere and Archbishop Donald Wuerl.  


"These guys are totally gay for me," Harris told a reporter, as he was gently placed on the sidewalk. 


"Totally. I can't wait to get to the Capitol and give back some of the love."


A reporter button-holed one of the sweaty, ecstatic members of the exuberant crowd.


"This was just spontaneous," the young man gasped.

"We have never had anyone so automatically with us as Andy Harris."


"He will co-sponsor anything we ask him to. And I mean anything!"


"Andy just comes to our agenda automatically. When one of us goes by his office, he drops everything and says, 'Where do I sign?' "


"He says YES to one of us quicker than Cardinal Regali says NO to the Philly DA."


"Andy is perfect for us. He doesn't sponsor anything. This means he is no leader and won't act on any lame-brained ideas of his own."


"But he'll sign on to everyone else's lame ideas. Perfect!"


Who loves Andy? Anyone and everyone who is:


-  opposed to abortion (1)
- opposed to gun control (2)
- opposed to wage standards (3)
- opposed to Spanish-speakers (4)
- opposed to health care reform (5)
- opposed to environmental regulations (6)
- opposed to an FCC return to the fairness doctrine (7)














BILLS ANDY HARRIS IS SPONSORING - ZERO




BILLS ANDY HARRIS IS CO-SPONSORING 
(Tracking credit to Win-Da-Doc, Wind Damage Done over Congress, LLC):


1. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO ABORTION, HE IS IN FAVOR OF INCREASING TAXES AND, MAYBE, CLONING


HR 374 - defines human life as beginning at fertilization or cloning


HR 361 - would require any medical entity to hire a health care professional, who refuses to participate in "abortion- related activities;" would permit a cause of action against any such entity who discriminates; would permit a court to bar federal funding as a form of relief


HR 3 - would deny tax credits to companies that offer health plans that cover abortion; would block federal subsidies to anyone whose insurance covers abortion, even if that portion of the insurance is paid for separately with personal funds 


2. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO GUN CONTROL, HE NO LONGER FAVORS STATES' RIGHTS AND IS EVEN AGAINST LOCAL GOVERNMENTS CONTROLLING THEIR OWN AFFAIRS:


HR 822 - would permit non-residents of a state to carry concealed weapons in any state (as in Baltimore, Maryland, which bars concealed weapons but where, in 2010, a Virginia man entered Hopkins Hospital with a concealed weapon, shot a doctor, shot and killed his own mother in her hospital bed and shot and killed himself) 


HR 645 - would block the government of the District of Columbia from banning firearms in DC, and repeals ban on automatic weapons, and DC requirement that weapons dealers inventory ammunition received or sold  


3. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO WAGE INCREASES, HE WOULD ABOLISH FEDERAL WAGE RATES AND STANDARDS:


HR 745 - would abolish federal wage rate requirements


HR 735 - would abolish federal contracting for union-only construction projects


4. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO NON-ENGLISH SPEAKERS HE  WOULD REQUIRE THE GOVERNMENT TO ESTABLISH A "UNIFORM ENGLISH LANGUAGE RULE" . . . WHATEVER THAT IS . . . HUN


HR 997 - would "declare English as the official language of the United States, to establish a uniform English language rule for naturalization, and to avoid misconstructions of the English language texts of the laws of the United States" 


(Este preyecto de ley es una pendejada.)


5. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO HEALTH-CARE REFORM HE SEES NO CONFLICT OF INTEREST IN VOTING FOR HIS OWN FINANCIAL AND BUSINESS INTERESTS:


HR 984 - would permit health care coverage opt out merely by asserting that costs might go up


HR 605 - would require federal government to pay for non-Rx drugs 


Dissociated Press Reporter: How does HR 605 help reduce the federal deficit? 
Andy Harris: "don't know, don't care"


HR 5 - would impose a time limit on lawsuits for an injury caused by medical service, goods, or products; would limit punitive damages and attorney fees; would bar recovery by a secondary source, who has paid the injured party.


6. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO ENVIRONMENTAL REGS HE DISFAVORS ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STUDIES AND FAVORS GREEN HOUSE GASES: 


HR 1049 - would require annual agency reporting to Congress when a permit has not been issued because an environmental impact study has not been conducted 


HR 750 - would ban federal regulations intended to mitigate green house gas dangers


7. ANDY HARRIS IS SO IN LOVE WITH FOX COMMUNICATIONS, HE IS OPPOSED TO THE FAIRNESS DOCTRINE - EVER COMING BACK


HR 642 - would bar the FCC from requiring broadcasters to provide opposing views on controversial issues of public importance 

END