Representative Andy Harris Supports Rape, as Acceptable Mode of Conception

(Dissociated Press) Andy Harris voted for H.R. 3, the "Stop Taxpayer Funded Abortions Act" which forbids federal money for abortions of  pregnancy resulting from "statutory" rape or "date" rape.


Approached outside the House gym, where Harris had participated, with Rep. Dennis Kucinich, in a game of H.O.R.S.E. (he lost) and J.A.C.K.A.S.S. (he won), Representative Andy Harris had this to say about H.R. 3:


"No woman!"


"Let me emphasize this," Harris emphasized, "no woman can actually be raped."


"No. Really."


"If there was actually such a thing as rape, then it would be unbelievably cruel for me or any other politician to pass a law forcing a woman impregnated by a rape to not be allowed to have an abortion."


"So, they ain't no such-a thing as statutory rape or date rape. And that means, they ain't no such-a thing as a woman who is mentally incapacitated."


"And they ain't no such-a thing as a medically non-viable pregnancy. I'm a doctor. I ought to know, oughtn't I?"


"I am new around here so I am learning from the wise old hands, like Congressmen Mike Pence and Chris Smith, who have figured out that if you just re-define things a little bit, those things don't exist anymore."


"Simple! No more rape, means no more money for abortion."


"So, no rape = no abortion funding = no problem."


"Now that H.R. 3 has passed the House and is headed for the Senate, I plan to just lie back and enjoy it, just like the poor women of my district ought to do." 


"The rich women, of course, can get all the abortions they like, as always." 


"God love'm."






























"God love'm."

HARRIS DELIVERS FIRST MAJOR FOREIGN POLICY SPEECH - URGES INTERNATIONAL NO FLY ZONE OVER LIBYA

Dissociated Press: On the podium to receive a badge from the Ist District Chapter of SSADD! (Sub-Saharan Africa, Drop Dead!), Representative Andy Harris wrested the microphone from the hands of SSADD! chairman, Oney White, and surprised his audience by calling for the imposition of a no-fly zone over Libya. 

"The only way this can work," Harris shouted, "is for the no-fly zone to be alliterative.

"Starting with Libya itself, of course, you add in Lithuania and Lichtenstein, among our European partners. But there also has to be regional cooperation, so we must get Liberia on board.  

"The merit of  my alliterative approach is obvious. These nations all have experience with no-fly, which is exactly how the experts characterize the air forces of these nations."

Not stopping for questions, Harris grabbed his Drop Dead Africa merit badge and ran to the edge of the stage, where he tore off all his (cont. page 2)

ANDY HARRIS REGRETS PLANNED PARENTHOOD DEFUND VOTE

(Dissociated Press) Representative Andy Harris trapped a D/Press reporter in a Capitol Hill elevator to declare his chagrin for his vote the other day to completely defund Planned Parenthood. 


"I'm a gas passer, you know, and I was passing gas just before the vote," Rep. Harris said, "I guess I got a little disoriented.


"Anyway, I regret that vote. 


"We ought not vote on anything without hearing from the parties most effected, which in this case, are PP staff and women who receive a range of medical services at PP offices around the country. 


"Giving everyone a chance to be heard is a huge deal with me. Really, really huge.


"This is why I voted to block a bunch of new EPA regs from taking effect, until business groups in my district have a chance to meet with the EPA and discuss their concerns. 


"It would be totally inconsistent for me to defund Planned Parenthood without giving them a hearing.


"If you have any idea how I can get in touch with Planned Parenthood, contact my office and we'll set something up."