ANDY HARRIS - 'THESE GUYS ARE TOTALLY GAY FOR ME'

(DISSOCIAED PRESS) In a spontaneous display of affection from lobbyists, Rep. Andy Harris, MD, was carried along K Street this morning, on the shoulders of a dozen or so gleeful white males. 


Shouting "Andy! Andy!" the grinning crowd put Andy down only after he pleaded that he could not be late for a breakfast appointment with the NRA's Wayne LaPiere and Archbishop Donald Wuerl.  


"These guys are totally gay for me," Harris told a reporter, as he was gently placed on the sidewalk. 


"Totally. I can't wait to get to the Capitol and give back some of the love."


A reporter button-holed one of the sweaty, ecstatic members of the exuberant crowd.


"This was just spontaneous," the young man gasped.

"We have never had anyone so automatically with us as Andy Harris."


"He will co-sponsor anything we ask him to. And I mean anything!"


"Andy just comes to our agenda automatically. When one of us goes by his office, he drops everything and says, 'Where do I sign?' "


"He says YES to one of us quicker than Cardinal Regali says NO to the Philly DA."


"Andy is perfect for us. He doesn't sponsor anything. This means he is no leader and won't act on any lame-brained ideas of his own."


"But he'll sign on to everyone else's lame ideas. Perfect!"


Who loves Andy? Anyone and everyone who is:


-  opposed to abortion (1)
- opposed to gun control (2)
- opposed to wage standards (3)
- opposed to Spanish-speakers (4)
- opposed to health care reform (5)
- opposed to environmental regulations (6)
- opposed to an FCC return to the fairness doctrine (7)














BILLS ANDY HARRIS IS SPONSORING - ZERO




BILLS ANDY HARRIS IS CO-SPONSORING 
(Tracking credit to Win-Da-Doc, Wind Damage Done over Congress, LLC):


1. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO ABORTION, HE IS IN FAVOR OF INCREASING TAXES AND, MAYBE, CLONING


HR 374 - defines human life as beginning at fertilization or cloning


HR 361 - would require any medical entity to hire a health care professional, who refuses to participate in "abortion- related activities;" would permit a cause of action against any such entity who discriminates; would permit a court to bar federal funding as a form of relief


HR 3 - would deny tax credits to companies that offer health plans that cover abortion; would block federal subsidies to anyone whose insurance covers abortion, even if that portion of the insurance is paid for separately with personal funds 


2. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO GUN CONTROL, HE NO LONGER FAVORS STATES' RIGHTS AND IS EVEN AGAINST LOCAL GOVERNMENTS CONTROLLING THEIR OWN AFFAIRS:


HR 822 - would permit non-residents of a state to carry concealed weapons in any state (as in Baltimore, Maryland, which bars concealed weapons but where, in 2010, a Virginia man entered Hopkins Hospital with a concealed weapon, shot a doctor, shot and killed his own mother in her hospital bed and shot and killed himself) 


HR 645 - would block the government of the District of Columbia from banning firearms in DC, and repeals ban on automatic weapons, and DC requirement that weapons dealers inventory ammunition received or sold  


3. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO WAGE INCREASES, HE WOULD ABOLISH FEDERAL WAGE RATES AND STANDARDS:


HR 745 - would abolish federal wage rate requirements


HR 735 - would abolish federal contracting for union-only construction projects


4. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO NON-ENGLISH SPEAKERS HE  WOULD REQUIRE THE GOVERNMENT TO ESTABLISH A "UNIFORM ENGLISH LANGUAGE RULE" . . . WHATEVER THAT IS . . . HUN


HR 997 - would "declare English as the official language of the United States, to establish a uniform English language rule for naturalization, and to avoid misconstructions of the English language texts of the laws of the United States" 


(Este preyecto de ley es una pendejada.)


5. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO HEALTH-CARE REFORM HE SEES NO CONFLICT OF INTEREST IN VOTING FOR HIS OWN FINANCIAL AND BUSINESS INTERESTS:


HR 984 - would permit health care coverage opt out merely by asserting that costs might go up


HR 605 - would require federal government to pay for non-Rx drugs 


Dissociated Press Reporter: How does HR 605 help reduce the federal deficit? 
Andy Harris: "don't know, don't care"


HR 5 - would impose a time limit on lawsuits for an injury caused by medical service, goods, or products; would limit punitive damages and attorney fees; would bar recovery by a secondary source, who has paid the injured party.


6. ANDY HARRIS IS SO OPPOSED TO ENVIRONMENTAL REGS HE DISFAVORS ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STUDIES AND FAVORS GREEN HOUSE GASES: 


HR 1049 - would require annual agency reporting to Congress when a permit has not been issued because an environmental impact study has not been conducted 


HR 750 - would ban federal regulations intended to mitigate green house gas dangers


7. ANDY HARRIS IS SO IN LOVE WITH FOX COMMUNICATIONS, HE IS OPPOSED TO THE FAIRNESS DOCTRINE - EVER COMING BACK


HR 642 - would bar the FCC from requiring broadcasters to provide opposing views on controversial issues of public importance 

END

HARRIS: I JUST VOTED TO RAISE YOUR TAXES . . . SORRY . . .

(Dissociated Press) Rep. Andy ('I-will-never-vote-to-raise-taxes') Harris ran out of the capitol building to catch up with a gaggle of reporter so he could "clarify" his vote on HR 3, No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act.


"You will remember that during the campaign I said, repeatedly, I would never vote to raise taxes. Never. Never. Never."


"Well, turns out I have already voted to raise taxes on businesses in my district."


"Didn't take me even a month to violate my no-tax campaign pledge. That must be a record."  


"Turns out," Harris further clarified,  "HR 3, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act has new taxation buried right in there."


"The bill takes away tax credits and deductions if an insurance plan covers abortions." 




"Who knew?"


"Chris Smith took me aside and said that bill 'merely codifies' existing laws. Chris was wrong. "


"Maybe it wasn't Chris Smith . . . There are so many crazy guys running around in there, who can keep track? Not me."


"But the bill clearly says that if a company wants to keep its current medical insurance for its employees and if that insurance covers abortions, then that company's taxes will go UP!"


"I am a never-vote-for-more-taxes guy." 


"Yet here I am, not a month on the job, voting for a tax increase."


"Gotta fix this," Harris said, as he wandered back into the Capitol.


"I know . . . since I probably set a record for going back on a big campaign pledge, maybe if I run again in the First District, I can pitch myself as a record-setting-newbie . . . "


"People might buy that . . . they just might . . . " NOT










. . . they just might not . . .




SOURCES:


"In Washington, I will never vote to raise taxes." http://www.andyharris.com/news/pr103010-2.html


HR 3 raises taxes on companies that choose to keep their current employee health insurance plans. 
http://www.nwlc.org/resource/oppose-dangerous-and-misleading-%E2%80%9Cno-taxpayer-funding-abortion-act%E2%80%9D#download

END

HARRIS: 'I am not here to give a hearing to entitlement types'

(Dissociated Press) Being driven around his district this week, Rep Andy Harris was musing to himself; apparently, he was sitting on his cell phone and inadvertently rang up this reporter. 


Harris said,


"God, posturing is so much easier than actually governing. No one seems to notice - which is a break for me."


"My vote barring the EPA from monitoring air and water and coal mines . . . why did I do that and how did I get away with that? Amazing! All I gotta do is say, my constituents have to take a look at the regs . . . people eat that up like dessert. Not regulating coal mines? Are you kidding me?"


And we passed that without having to actually pass a law - just a little bitty rider to an actual bill."


"This is too sweet!"


"An' I don't even have to be consistent. All I have to do is come up with the lamest sham of a reason and the press goes . . . 'Next!' "


"I said the reason for the anti-EPA vote was that businesses back in my district need time to give input . . . "


". . . on coal mine regs! The last time there was coal in my district was about 100 million years ago, if then."


"The media hotshots don't even ask me to explain stuff . . . like, if input is such a big deal to me, why did I vote to completely defund Planned Parenthood without giving Planned Parenthood a hearing or the women they serve a hearing?"


Well, the truth is . . . poor women don't get a hearing! Not from me. Not when I was in the Maryland senate and certainly not in DC!"


"I am not here to give a hearing to entitlement types. Not yesterday, not today, not ever. . ."
















. . . not ever!"

END 

. . .

HARRIS: 'I AM SMARTER THAN OIL EXECS, ONE AT LEAST'

(Dissociated Press) John Hofmeiseter, Shell Oil retired CEO, testifying before a Congressional Committee, declared that Big Oil did not need continued subsidies, at least so long as oil prices are rising.


Representative Andy Harris, First District, Maryland, was not impressed.


"What does he know?" Harris mused, "If he was any good, he would not be retired, would he? I retired Wayne Gilcrist, didn't I? Cause he was no good, either."


With that, Harris voted with 100% of GOP members of the House to extend subsidies to the oil industry.


At the same time, Harris, claiming budget deficits required it, joined with his GOP colleagues in a 100% defunding directed at Planned Parenthood.


"Women and children are not where it's at for me," Harris stated.


"You want to know how many kids contributed to my election campaign?" 












SOURCES:

http://nationaljournal.com/daily/ex-shell-ceo-says-big-oil-can-live-without-subsidies-20110211


http://thinkprogress.org/2011/03/01/house-gop-oil-subsidies/

END

Andy Harris: looking for a few good men and women. Young ones, too.

(Dissociated Press) Back in his congressional district for the week, Andy Harris has put out an appeal to his constituents for help.


"I voted to defund Obamacare," Harris said in in interview, "and I expect my constituents to give me some cover. That is not asking too much."


"Is it?" 


Here is the prob.


March 23, is the anniversary of the date the Affordable Care Act was signed into law by President Obama. To commemorate the event, President Obama made a phone call to a young man who, thanks to the law, now is able to stay on his mother's health insurance after college. Eric is grateful, he told the President, for having health care coverage, which otherwise he could not afford.


Andy Harris asked his staff to find a few young adults in Maryland's First Congressional District who are willing to state publicly that they are happy to be losing health care coverage, thanks to Harris' vote.


Trouble is, the staffers have not been able to find a single young adult, who thinks getting tossed off their parents' health care insurance is a good idea for them, personally.


"I don't get it," Harris moaned. "I gave them that tea-party-type vote, even though it embarrassed me to ask for health care insurance from the federal government for my own family."


"Now, when it's time to stand up and be counted, everyone is missing in action. Makes you wonder."


"What's gonna happen when I vote to reduce Social Security benefits and Medicare, and against highway money for I-95 and against farm subsidies for First District farmers?" 












". . . What's gonna happen? . . . "   

ANDY HARRIS OBJECTS TO MASS TRANSIT FOR MARYLAND, VOWS TO WALK

(Dissociated Press) On March 16, 2011, the Governor of Maryland presented a federal projects wish list to the state's congressional delegation. 


The list prompted cat calls and repeated ejaculations from Representative Andy Harris.


The proposals from Annapolis to DC emphasized money for mass transit. From a doorway, Harris shouted, "No way! Bub. No way!"


"My constituents don't want or need mass transit," Harris interrupted. "You ever see a cow on a commuter train?"


"The METRO hanger libs in Montgomery County have sucked at the federal tit long enough. I don't like'em and I don't represent 'em."


When the point was made that mass transit relieves expensive wear and tear on highways, - which can be found in Harris' First Congressional District - Harris remained unimpressed.


"You think I am going to vote to fix the roads? Forget about it!" 


"Highway funding, social security, National Institute of Health, preventive medical care for women - all that stuff is garbage!" 


"Everything needs to shrink - except health care for members of Congress, and congressional salaries. Those are the essentials, in my view."


"Tell you what," Harris stated, "Let's go back to the days of the first tea party and ride around on horses, or better, just walk."   


When asked if he or his staff used the DC Metro, Harris declined to comment.  








Maryland Delegation Urged To Fight Cuts, Get Money For Roads - News - WAMU 88.5 FM American University Radio

HARRIS: Can anyone tell me if Bert or Ernie are hetero? No you can't!

(DISSOCIATED PRESS) Representative Andy Harris clarifies in his illusive constituent newsletter (Volume 1, no. 468) that his vote to defund public radio also includes public television. 


"Let's be clear, I and my GOP colleagues don't like Sesame Street any more than we like Click and Clack and Prairie Home Companion."


"The problem with these loser programs is they are not clearly husband and wife fare."


"Can anyone tell me if Bert or Ernie are hetero?" 


"No, you can't."


"The producers of those shows deliberately hide these characters' junk." 


"Why? They want to confuse the children into thinking junk can be either or, in the same person."


"If Bert or Ernie or any one of those semi-gay puppets made a pass at one of the cute female hosts, I would feel a lot better about the whole situation."


"Same thing is wrong with Click and Clack. They are 'brothers' we are told. Well, that's not good enough for the GOP."


"We want clearly identified masculine figures for radio and TV role models. A deep voice is not enough, despite Rock Hudson or Barney Frank, no matter what he says and how he says it."


"And don't even get me started on Prairie Home. Send Garrison and his swishy sidekicks and light-on-their-feet musicians back to the prairie, I say."
































. . . back to the prairie . . . 

ANDY HARRIS DEFUNDS NPR FOR PORNOGRAPHIC PROGRAMMING

(Dissociated Press) Representative Andy Harris joined his GOP colleagues today (March 17 2011) in voting to completely defund National Public Radio. The bill, which passed the House, forbids any public radio station from purchasing any programming from NPR or or to pay NPR dues with federal funds.


Harris, shouting from his seat on the floor of the House of Representatives, interrupted the proceedings by declaring he has always been opposed to "NPR's pornographic material." 


"Why just today," Harris shouted,  "my staff tells me that some Japanese music group is playing a song about a G-string. Can you believe that?"


(NOTE: NPR PROGRAMMING FOR MARCH 17, 2011INCLUDED A PERFORMANCE BY NHK ORCHESTRA, WHICH PLAYED J.S. BACH'' "AIR ON A G STRING," ADDED BY CONDUCTOR ANDRE PREVIN, FOR A MARCH 16, 2011 WASHINGTON DC PERFORMANCE, AS AN EXPRESSION OF SYMPATHY FOR THE JAPANESE PEOPLE IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE RECENT EARTHQUAKE AND TSUNAMI AND THE ONGOING NUCLEAR POWER PLANT CRISIS. http://www.npr.org/search/index.php?searchinput=AIRE+ON+A+G+STRING )


"And earlier today," Harris called out, "there was some bit about a British playwright, who has something on Broadway - where else? - and they beeped some of the words in that play. Why? Because the words are obscene."


(NOTE: NPR PROGRAMMING FOR MARCH 17, 2011, INCLUDED AN ITEM ABOUT THE BROADWAY PREMIERE OF TOM STOPPARD'S NEW PLAY, ROCK AND ROLL, WHICH OPENS TONIGHT IN NEW YORK.)


"Now, I do not want my children or my wife or your children or your wives hearing little beep, beep beeps and then being tormented in their heads by thinking up all the possible words that are being beeped out!!

"Of course the solution is to defund the whole she-bang!"


"Soon enough we are gonna get to a jobs bill, I guess." 


"But in the meantime, lets stop funding G-strings and pornographic beeps."





























"Soon enough we are gonna get to a jobs bill, I guess." 

ANDY HARRIS EMBRACES SHARIA LAW "JUST THIS ONCE"

(Dissociated Press) Speaking to a gathering of reporter, Representative Andy Harris said tonight, how pleased he was that CIA contractor Raymond Davis was set free today in Pakistan. Spirited out of the country, Davis will not stand trial in a Pakistani court in Lahore for the double homicide of two citizens of that country. 


Davis admitted killing the men, who had bullet wounds front and back. He claimed they had attempted to rob him.


Harris: "We are all pleased that he is out. Obviously, Obama gets no credit for this, which is kind of funny since Obama is Moslem, born in Kenya, and all."


"Anyway, Davis was set free under a provision of the national law of Pakistan, what they call Die-Yet, which is easy to remember, since in English, it could mean: you don't die yet."


"We ought to bring this idea into our courts, in my opinion. When something bad happens, just shove a bunch of money at the injured party and everyone goes home."


Reporter: Isn't that what the personal injury lawyers are all about?


Harris: "Well . . . no. I'm talking about a criminal case. Davis was gonna be charged with murder. Instead, the Company put up a little cash, couple million, I think, and that was that."


Reporter: "Are you saying the CIA put up two million dollars in taxpayers' money? 


Harris: "Who knows where the money came from? I don't have any idea." 


Reporter: Isn't the money-in-exchange-for-forgiveness part of Sharia law?"


Harris: "Sharia law has it's time and place. This one time and in that one godforsaken place."


"The point is, Obama gets no credit for this. That's the point. That's the whole point."  


"What's your name anyway?"
     


(NOTE: A link to a CNN article about Davis' release appears below.)























Analysts: Political impact uncertain after CIA contractor freed - CNN.com

HARRIS - LOSS OF 13,500 MARYLAND JOBS OK. 'WE DON'T NEED LOSERS'

Reacting to a report in the Baltimore Business Journal that Maryland likely would lose 13,500 jobs if GOP spending cuts are approved, Representative Andy Harris issued a statement saying, 


"Losers have no business thinking we will protect their loser jobs. If they weren't such losers, they would not have such insecure jobs. "


"Besides, I can't be held responsible for what happens in the whole state. I only represent the Eastern Shore. So, who cares?" 


"Anyway, that report comes from Barbara Mikulski, so again, who cares?"


When  a reported pointed out that the report was released on Feb 28, 2011 by the chief economist at Moody Analytics, Harris said,  


"Crap. My people told me Mikulski wrote that out herself."


(NOTE: A link to the report appears below.)


























Md. Dems warn of 13,500 job losses from Republican spending cuts | Baltimore Business Journal




"WHO CARES?"

ANDY HARRIS CHOOSES BETWEEN HEALTH CARE PLANS A & B, AS EVERYONE SHOULD

(Dissociated Press)  Representative Andy Harris has announced that he will not be accepting health care coverage through his current employer, the US government. 


"I want to put my money where my mouth is," intoned Harris.


"Everyone remembers, even before I was sworn in, I asked for immediate coverage for me and my family. And when they told me my coverage would not start until I had been on the job for 30 days, I even offered to buy into the government program."


"These was not an unreasonable requests that I was making." 


"Everyone ought to have health insurance . . . Let me rephrase that . . . Everyone ought to have the peace of mind. . . wait a second . . . what I mean is . . . "


"Everyone ought to do what I did."


"I worked out an arrangement with my former employer, Johns Hopkins Medicine, and simply extended my health plan - which is a super duper plan by the way." 


"So, that's what I'm trying to say, everyone ought to just work something out with their former employer. Go with your back-up health care plan, if you want to."


"Now don't get the idea that John Hopkins Medicine did me any personal favors, just because I am a member of Congress. No siree."


"It is just the reasonable and fair thing to do . . . get health care covered either through the government or through a former employer."


"Why we can't pass a law that permits everyone to do what I did is a mystery to me."


"Just get coverage through your work, or your former work, or through the government. All that was offered to me. Nothing wrong with that. Choice is good!"


A Reporter pointed out to Harris that the current Affordable Health Care Act, he had just voted to rescind, provided health care for an additional 30,000,000 people, plus a "public option" that would permit people to buy coverage under the plan.


Andy Harris said, "I didn't have time to read that bill before I voted for it, what with me having to be on the phone with Johns Hopkins to work out my personal health care coverage." 


"First things first, you know. "


"And with me, family comes first."






























"Family comes first."








"Totally."

IGNORANCE AN ASSET - ANDY HARRIS

(Dissociated Press) Ignorance just might be an asset, Representative Andy Harris stated, as he urged even deeper cuts in the federal education budget. 

Delivering an impromptu speech at a Starbucks on 15th Street, NW, Harris cited the demonstrable ignorance of American history by Representative Michele Bachmann, as proof that "You don't have to know anything to get ahead."


Over the weekend Bachmann, in New Hampshire at a Tea Party fundraiser, said,  


"It's your state that fired the shot that was heard around the world, you are the state of Lexington and Concord, you started the battle for liberty right here in your backyard."


Still in New Hampshire, Bachmann repeated her remarks the next day, 


"You're the state where the shot was heard around the world at Lexington and Concord."


 "Ignorance certainly has not hurt her career," Andy Harris said, and added,


"Most fifth graders know that Lexington and Concord are in Massachusetts. What good has that information done them?"


"Eh? What good? None. None at all!"


Harris continued, "My colleague from Wisconsin, on the other hand, has proven that not knowing something is actually better than knowing something."


"In funding education nationwide, we need to expand upon this principle: Not knowing anything is a lot better than learning a bunch of useless stuff."


"People who want their kids to learn stuff can always send them to private school. Everyone with money is free to make that choice. But there is no reason for tax payers to subsidize the eradication of ignorance."


Again commenting on Bachmann, Harris said,


"The secret of Michele's success, is simple, as it would have to be, in her case." 


"Michele has figured out that, as a woman,  it is how you look, not what you know, that matters, and she puts this into practice, virtually every day."

Rep. Michele Bachmann

For Bachmann's comments, visit "Bachmann Betrays Ignorance of U.S. History, Geography, Politics" at the link below:

The most important news and commentary to read right now. - The Slatest - Slate Magazine

END

HARRIS CALLS FOR END TO HAWAI'I STATEHOOD

(Dissociated Press) March 11, 2011: On the House floor, Representative Coleen Hanabusa denounced as "reckless" proposed GOP cuts to federal emergency preparedness and response. 


With that, Maryland Congressman Andy Harris was out of his seat, pushing his way to the end of the row. 


Hanabusa mentioned the earthquake and tsunami, occurring at that very moment off the east coast of Japan, and added, "Hawaii will be the first state" to come under tsunami threat.


Harris rushed to the well of the House of Representatives.


Grabbing a cigarette from the mouth of Speaker John Boehner, Harris ran up to Representative Hanabusa, lit her little grass skirt on fire and announced,


"I move that statehood for Hawai'i be rescinded!"


"Don't you see? If Hawai'i is not a state, then whatever happens out there in the Pacific Ocean is not our concern." 


"We can and should implement the $400 million in cuts for tsunamis." 


"By the time a big wave get to California, it will be a little bitty wave!" 


"And even if it is still a biggie, it's gonna hit California, which is mostly Mexicans, anyway."


"The national anthem says nothing about islands. . .  At all!"


Harris sang ". . . 'from sea to shining sea. . . .' " and shouted, "That's it! Nothing about islands!"


House staffers rushed forward with fire extinguishers and members of both parties surrounded Harris, with many grabbing at his lapels and reaching for the mike. 


Andy Harris continued shouting, "Dont't you see? If Hawai'i isn't a state, then Obama is not a citizen even if he was born there, which he wasn't! 


"It all fits together!"


As he was led away by the Sargent at Arms, Harris continued to shout:


"It all fits together!"  




































"It all fits together."






















  

Representative Andy Harris Supports Rape, as Acceptable Mode of Conception

(Dissociated Press) Andy Harris voted for H.R. 3, the "Stop Taxpayer Funded Abortions Act" which forbids federal money for abortions of  pregnancy resulting from "statutory" rape or "date" rape.


Approached outside the House gym, where Harris had participated, with Rep. Dennis Kucinich, in a game of H.O.R.S.E. (he lost) and J.A.C.K.A.S.S. (he won), Representative Andy Harris had this to say about H.R. 3:


"No woman!"


"Let me emphasize this," Harris emphasized, "no woman can actually be raped."


"No. Really."


"If there was actually such a thing as rape, then it would be unbelievably cruel for me or any other politician to pass a law forcing a woman impregnated by a rape to not be allowed to have an abortion."


"So, they ain't no such-a thing as statutory rape or date rape. And that means, they ain't no such-a thing as a woman who is mentally incapacitated."


"And they ain't no such-a thing as a medically non-viable pregnancy. I'm a doctor. I ought to know, oughtn't I?"


"I am new around here so I am learning from the wise old hands, like Congressmen Mike Pence and Chris Smith, who have figured out that if you just re-define things a little bit, those things don't exist anymore."


"Simple! No more rape, means no more money for abortion."


"So, no rape = no abortion funding = no problem."


"Now that H.R. 3 has passed the House and is headed for the Senate, I plan to just lie back and enjoy it, just like the poor women of my district ought to do." 


"The rich women, of course, can get all the abortions they like, as always." 


"God love'm."






























"God love'm."

HARRIS DELIVERS FIRST MAJOR FOREIGN POLICY SPEECH - URGES INTERNATIONAL NO FLY ZONE OVER LIBYA

Dissociated Press: On the podium to receive a badge from the Ist District Chapter of SSADD! (Sub-Saharan Africa, Drop Dead!), Representative Andy Harris wrested the microphone from the hands of SSADD! chairman, Oney White, and surprised his audience by calling for the imposition of a no-fly zone over Libya. 

"The only way this can work," Harris shouted, "is for the no-fly zone to be alliterative.

"Starting with Libya itself, of course, you add in Lithuania and Lichtenstein, among our European partners. But there also has to be regional cooperation, so we must get Liberia on board.  

"The merit of  my alliterative approach is obvious. These nations all have experience with no-fly, which is exactly how the experts characterize the air forces of these nations."

Not stopping for questions, Harris grabbed his Drop Dead Africa merit badge and ran to the edge of the stage, where he tore off all his (cont. page 2)

ANDY HARRIS REGRETS PLANNED PARENTHOOD DEFUND VOTE

(Dissociated Press) Representative Andy Harris trapped a D/Press reporter in a Capitol Hill elevator to declare his chagrin for his vote the other day to completely defund Planned Parenthood. 


"I'm a gas passer, you know, and I was passing gas just before the vote," Rep. Harris said, "I guess I got a little disoriented.


"Anyway, I regret that vote. 


"We ought not vote on anything without hearing from the parties most effected, which in this case, are PP staff and women who receive a range of medical services at PP offices around the country. 


"Giving everyone a chance to be heard is a huge deal with me. Really, really huge.


"This is why I voted to block a bunch of new EPA regs from taking effect, until business groups in my district have a chance to meet with the EPA and discuss their concerns. 


"It would be totally inconsistent for me to defund Planned Parenthood without giving them a hearing.


"If you have any idea how I can get in touch with Planned Parenthood, contact my office and we'll set something up."