HARRIS TO SEEK A REST CURE, NOT RETURN TO CONGRESS

(Dissociated Press) At one final, unannounced "town hall" event yesterday, Congressman Andy Harris burst into fits of uncontrollable laughter and was escorted away from the forum. Today, Harris is said to be "in seclusion."


"He's gonna need a rest cure, for sure, for sure" said a worried staffer, adding, "For sure."


The medical prob came to light when the Congressman was made to listen to complaints about his vote to end Medicare.


One speaker after another asked Harris to explain his vote. The Congressman stood in silence at first and then began to chuckle, and soon was laughing uncontrollably.


Here is a blow-by-blow:


Constituent #1: "The Ryan Budget that you voted for will no longer insure seniors' health needs directly as with Medicare. Instead seniors will get a voucher they can only use to buy private insurance. But the vouchers are designed so their value will not rise with the cost of medicine, prescription drugs and doctor visits. Why did you vote for that?"


Harris: Begins to grin, says nothing.


Constituent #2: "With the vouchers, seniors will have to spend more out of pocket, or else go without health care. How will seniors on fixed incomes manage under your system - go without food? Stop paying rent? Or just not see the doctor?" 


Harris: Grins broadly, but says nothing.


Constituent #3: "The Congressional Budget Office says private insurance companies are not as efficient as Medicare at curbing costs. (See Source 2, below) That means the Ryan plan will increase the cost of health care. Why did you vote for that?"


Harris: Laughs loudly, says nothing, and finally sits down, laughing without restraint.


Constituent #4: "The Ryan plan sends money to the states as block grants. So under Ryan, instead of having one uniform medical plan for seniors across the nation, there will be fifty different financing mechanisms. Why do you think that is preferable and cheaper than the Medicare we now have?" 


Harris: Begins to bray.


An aide shields Harris from the concerned and inquiring looks of his constituents. Meantime, Harris can still be heard laughing hysterically. At one point he falls to the floor and is helped to a sitting position by staffers.


An aide finally walks to the microphone while Harris can be heard guffawing backstage. 


The staffer announces that the event has ended and a voucher-doc has been called.


A staffer, speaking softly into a cell phone, inquires if the voucher-doc's insurance covers treatment for Kuru. (See Source, below.) 


The voucher-doc is heard to say, "That's not listed in the block grant." 


"Maybe your guy is just giggly." 


"If he's fee-for service, send him over. If not, we'll all have a good laugh."


(Source: Kuru "known among the Fore as the laughing sickness


due to the pathologic bursts of laughter people would display 


when afflicted . . . " Wikipedia)


(Source 2 - BOLD added: "The Congressional Budget Office, the nonpartisan arm of Congress,analyzed Ryan’s plan and estimated that by 2030, the government would pay just 32 percent of the health care costs, less than half of what the federal plan currently pays. The other 68 percent of the plan would have to be shouldered by the retiree. [The CBO estimated that if traditional Medicare stayed in place, the government would pay 70 to 75 percent of the costs.]

The CBO analysis also assumed that adding private insurance plans into the mix would raise administrative costs and would not keep medical inflation as low as traditional Medicare has done. 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/fact-checker/post/gop-lawmakers-tout-medicare-reform-by-stretching-a-comparison-to-the-health-benefits-they-receive/2011/04/28/AFrRkM9E_blog.html 

END

HARRIS TO OPEN DANCE STUDIO IN DC or BOSTON

ANDY HARRIS HAS ANNOUNCED 

HE WILL OPEN A DANCE STUDIO IN 

DC OR BOSTON

MAYBE

(Dissociated Press) Speaking to a throng of supporter at the  Let's Dance, Hon studio in Ocean City, Andy Harris announced he is looking for a federal grant to fund a brand new dance studio he plans to open in Washington DC.


"We will focus on the two-step and also the waltz," Harris declared.


"I have learned so much in my first few weeks in Washington and I want to share what I know. And of course pocket some cash, too. Why not?"


' . . . two-step your way . . .'


"I found out you can two-step your way around here."


"Take the Ryan budget bill, which we passed in the House. That bill never had the slightest chance of passing the Senate, so I can two-step my own vote!  The tea party types appreciate that vote as a hostile gesture that trips up poor people." 


"Meanwhile, I can tell the reasonable people in the First District that my vote for Ryan was a throw-away vote 'cause the Senate would never buy it. Sweet!" 


' . . . waltz around Obamacare . . .'




"You can waltz around the facts," Harris added.


"Remember when the GOP was all hot to dump Obamacare? Well, them days is gone!"


"What did our leader, Speaker John Boehner say on ABC News last Sunday?"


"The Ryan budget 'transforms Medicare into a plan that's very similar to the President's own healthcare bill.' That is right from Boehner." (See Source, below.)


"What Boehner meant is that in the Ryan budget, we replace Medicare with private insurance."


"Seniors don't get health care coverage under the Ryan budget. Instead, seniors get to buy a private insurance plan that is partly subsidized by state block grants  - which we Republicans also used to hate but no more."


"When the state block grants run out, seniors will have to pay for their medical procedures and their prescriptions out of their retirement income."


"The plan the GOP sets up with the Ryan budget is way more expensive than Obama's plan - according to the Congressional Budget Office."


"And that's the waltz we do with Obama. The Affordable Care Act - Obamacare - applies exchanges, with no block grant mess, to the uninsured, so they get covered." Harris explained.


"The GOP does not believe in covering the uninsured, so the Ryan budget plan does not cover them."


"That's our two-step with Ryan. Do exchanges for the elderly, so they get less coverage and don't do exchanges for the uninsured so they get no coverage - at all."


"Thank goodness I and the rest of the GOPers in Congress get limousine medical coverage for ourselves." 


"We would never vote to give ourselves the insurance crap we give the public. Never."


"Since I do the dance, I may as well do a dance studio. I have learned to waltz and two-step health care, so I expect to qualify for a federal health care grant for my business model."


"If not in DC, I will go for a grant under the Romney plan in Massachusetts."


"Sweet!" 


   
Source: 

How the GOP stopped worrying and learned to love ObamaCare

Source: Washington Post, April 27 2011

Ezra Klein's wonkbook
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/ezra-klein/

END

HARRIS CONFIRMS 1957 DOB, APPEALS FOR CALM

(Dissociated Press) Andy Harris, who represents Maryland's First District in Congress voted for a bill that will deny Medicare benefits  to all of his constituents born after 1957. (See Source, below.)


Today Harris issued a statement confirming that he, himself, will qualify for Medicare, since he was born on January 25, 1957.

An informal survey of Ist District residents suggest there is a range of views among the voters.

"I doubt I will need Medicare, since my career plan is to win the lottery," said a fast food employee across the street from Harris' Bel Air office. 

"Harris voted to end Medicare for younger people but not older ones? Why did he do that? I was born in 1980. Why the age discrimination?" asked a women pushing  a stroller containing twins.

"Andy is a doctor, so I can see why he doesn't plan to need Medicare," said a man in a Salisbury, MD coffee shop. "But I haven't heard Andy Harris say he won't use the program, since he will be eligible - and I won't."

"What about the government's promises made to me when I first went to work?" asked a man standing in front of a Cockeysville, MD grocery. "I was born in 1960 and have been paying taxes for thirty-years. That sounds like a contract to me. Why would Harris want to take that back?" 

In his statement, Harris said:

"Consistent with my long standing policy of not taking responsibility for what I actually vote for, the bill we passed ignores the fact that life begins with conception."


"The pro-life bubies missed that one. I didn't."


"Everyone conceived in 1958 and born in 1959 ought to qualify. But if you were born in 1960 or later, you are S.O.O.L."


"I recommend they circulate a petition in Speaker Boehner's district and get this straightened out."

Source:

1. "House Passes Paul Ryan Budget Proposal in Partisan Vote," ABC News, April 15, 2011
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=207968&id=&id=27052-9342974-b2L5S4x&t=4

END

HARRIS: CALCULATE SOCIAL SECURITY IN DOG YEARS

(Dissociated Press)  Congressman Andy Harris, back in his district during the current recess, called a press conference to announce that he will be proposing legislation requiring that Social Security calculations be in dog years.


"This is to me, the simplest solution," Harris stated. "This approach will break the deadlock in Washington by uniting dog lovers of all stripes, across party lines."


"Look. The GOP House of Representatives just passed the Ryan budget bill, which will remove millions of people from Medicare and give them a state government voucher instead, which is worth lots less than Medicare, right from the git." 


"No more Medicare. But what about Social Security? How can we eliminate that?" 


"The answer came to me in a cab ride, when I saw a dog whizzing at a hydrant. The dog looked sort-a old, but I realized it wasn't old at all in human years.  In dog years, yes, but not in human years."


"What if all employees are measured in dog years and not human years?"


"In dog years, we can extract seven times the deductions we can get in human years." 


"Doing this, the Social Security trust fund will see seven times more in employee contributions and we can totally eliminate employer contributions."


"Same thing with Social Security eligibility. No one qualifies for Social Security until they reach 455 year of age."


"It's a win-win. The workers get socked again, just like with our elimination of Medicare and the corporations get another free ride."


"Besides, this helps me with the Tea Party in my district. They think I am really a resident of Pennsylvania. Harrisburg." 



SOURCE:

The GOP-controlled House passed a budget which "would end Medicare as an open-ended entitlement for new retirees [. . .] Instead of getting government-paid benefits, retirees could choose a private policy on a newly established Medicare exchange."

[. . . ] "The GOP plan would end the financing partnership between the federal government and the states, replacing it with block grants that give states less money [. . .]."

"Tax cuts for corporations and other tax reforms would reduce the overall savings of the plan to $4.4 trillion."

See: House passes GOP budget plan for 2012 - The Washington Post

END

ANDY HARRIS TO MOVE TO MAINE, RUN AGAINST SNOWE

(Dissociated Press) Andy Harris, Representative from Maryland's First District, announced today that he will shortly move to Maine and run against GOP Senator Olympia Snowe in the Republican Primary.


"She just voted against defunding Planned Parenthood," Harris declared. 


"She's finished in Washington."


"Besides, she's older then dirt and ought to be living off social security and medicare - unless we are able to end those programs - and I hope we do."


When a reporter asked Harris why he would leave his just-begun tenure in the House of Representatives and move to another state, Harris responded,


"The Tea Party down on the Eastern Shore is mad at me for joining the democrats and voting a COLA raise for the federal work force. You just can't please some people."


"I guess I should not have voted Yea on that one. But I thought I was voting to approve a cola delivery to the GOP lounge."


"Anyway, the Tea Party types back home are all sweated up about that vote."



"So, it's time for me to go on up to Maine and take a shot at an old lady."


"What kind of name is Olympia, anyway? Doesn't sound very white bread to me."

END

"Somebody get this guy off me!"

(Dissociated Press) ANDY HARRIS RUSHES TO EMBRACE SENTOR KYL


Representative Andy Harris raced through the Capitol this morning,  from the House side to the Senate Side, where he barged past two Capitol policemen, ran up to Senator John Kyl, R-Az, and threw his arms around the astonished Senator.


Smaller in stature than the ample Arizona politician, Harris grabbed the Senator's by the leg and shouted, "I love you! You have saved us all!"


As two police-persons ran to aide the senator, Harris, still clinging to Kyl's leg, explained,


"This man has given us our banner, our slogan for 2012, our marching orders."


Twenty minutes later, Harris, ejected from the Senate, was lying on a cot in the outer office of Senator Paul of Kentucky. Waiting for a Paul-administered sedative to take full effect, Andy Harris had time to elaborate.


"The other day, right here in the Senate, the great John Kyl said, 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is abort babies. (Source #1, below)


"Everyone knows what Kyl said is just not true. Everyone."


"But making a false statement did not faze Kyl one bit!"


"It takes a true statesman to stick to a falsehood without apology and come up with the perfect excuse, which Kyl did." 


Rising on one elbow, Harris grinned and whispered, "Kyl said: 'my statements are not intended to be taken as factual.' " (Source #1, below)


"That masterstroke certainly applies to me."


"I campaigned on the pledge 'In Washington I will never vote to raise taxes.' " (Source #2 below)


"No one in their right mind would take me seriously on that. And of course I have already voted a tax increase by supporting the repeal of the 2010 health care reforms. If our bill had passed the Senate, we would be in a health care expenditure free fall right now."  


"What I meant when I said no new taxes is - no new taxes for the rich - but you can't come out and say something like that."


"Here's another one. Right after I took office, I said, ". . . Government should act as a partner, not a bully." (Source #3 below).


"What I meant when I said government ought not bully people is that it's OK for government to bully people I don't like."


"That's why I voted to completely defund Planned Parenthood and also to bar the District of Columbia from spending its own money as it sees fit." 


"I cant help it. I just don't like women or anyone who lives in DC." 


"But now, thanks to Senator Kyl, I can explain things quick and easy." Pointing a finger heavenward, Andy Harris crooned:


"NOTHING I SAY IS INTENDED TO BE FACTUAL"


"This is perfect," Harris said, as he drifted off to sleep.


"This is my new mantra. It's going on my letterhead."










SOURCE #1 John Kyl: my statements are not intended to be taken as factual



San Francisco Chronicle
SFGate
April 11, 2011
Bob Egelko


[ . . . ] Speaking on the Senate floor Friday in support of his party's proposal to cut off federal funds for family planning clinics, the Arizona Republican dismissed the notion that people go to Planned Parenthood for blood-pressure testing or other everyday medical services. "If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that's well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does," he said.


[ . . . ] Planned Parenthood's records show that only 3 percent of its funds are spent on abortions, compared to 35 percent each on contraception and sexually transmitted disease screening and treatment.


[ . . . ] CNN pointed out the statistics to Kyl's office, which released this statement: "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement


[ . . . ] I've called Kyl's office a number of times since Monday and gotten no response, which is too bad, because I wanted to ask how we could tell when one of his statements wasn't intended to be factual.


[ . . . ]


Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/nov05election/detail?entry_id=86960#ixzz1JVqXuGk3
_____________________

Source #2 Andy Harris: In Washington I will never vote to raise taxes
http://www.andyharris.com/news/pr103010-2.html
_____________________

Source #3 Andy Harris: Government should act as a partner, not a bully
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/opinion/oped/bs-ed-harris-20110117,0,2063832.story

END

Andy Harris, Placed in Ambulance, Leaps Out the Back

"Listening to Obama, I began to retch. My staff panicked. "


Calling a (Dissociated Press) reporter to the D.C. condo he shares with Marion Berry ("Marion's my role model - he always campaigns one way, and then goes and does the opposite") Representative Andy Harris was interviewed in the afternoon of April 13, 2011.


"I decided to listen to President Obama give his budget speech this afternoon," Harris said.


"I thought I could handle it but I was wrong," Harris said.


"When the President pointed out that GOP budget proposals cut both transportation and education by more than 20%, I started to throw up. I knew we couldn't come up with anything to counter that. 


"Then, when Obama pointed out that the income of the super wealthy had gone up hundreds of thousands of dollars each year while we Republicans still gave them tax cuts, I ran over to the waste basket and lost my lunch. Even the Tea Party crazoids can't deny that."


"And that's when my staff panicked and called 911."


"Embarrassing, being rolled out of the Cannon Building on a stretcher."


"Not as embarrassing as opposing health insurance for everyone else, while asking for federal health insurance for me, but still . . ."


"Since I wasn't really sick, I jumped out the back of the ambulance when we slowed down at Dupont Circle." 


"Lucky for me, there were couple homeless people just lying there and they broke my fall."


". . . I'm fine . . . thank goodness."




Source: Obama’s Speech on Reducing the Budget (Text); New York Times: 


". . . A 70% cut to clean energy. A 25% cut in education. A 30% cut in transportation. Cuts in college Pell Grants that will grow to more than $1,000 per year. That's what they're proposing . . ."


 . . . We cannot afford $1 trillion worth of tax cuts for every millionaire and billionaire in our society. And I refuse to renew them again."
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/14/us/politics/14obama-text.html

END

  

ANDY HARRIS THRILLED TO CUT MONEY HEADED FOR MD 1ST DISTRICT

(Dissociated Press) "Now, At last, We Are Getting Somewhere!!"




So ran the headline of a Release given to a Dissociated Press reporter on April 12, 2011. 


Personally handing out the release, Harris explained that, in a cost-saving gesture, there would be only one copy of the press release available. Harris asked if the Dissociated Press reporter would share the document with other interested reporters.


Sure.


The statement reads in toto:


"Your Congressman, Andrew Harris, MD-1, is proud to announce that funds intended for use in the District will be withheld."


"As a doctor (a gas passer, in case you have forgotten) I am especially proud to support a $504 million reduction in the Women, Infants and Children Nutrition Program."


"We on the Tea Party side have been shouting about the absurdity of spending tax dollars on nutrition for poor children and infants."


"Think about it! This will also solve obesity in kids, too - at least the poor ones." 


"The rich kids can work it off at Brick Boodies or some place. We in the Congress need to see to it that poor kids eat a lot less." 


"Now, with the kids out of the way, it will be easy to continue funding corporate farm subsidies in the Midwest and oil exploration allocations in the Gulf or wherever." 


"Oh, and we cut the EPA by $1.6 billion!" 


"And Homeland Security will lose $226 million!"


"We capped the TSA work force and cut FEMA first responder money by $786 million."


"And that's not all, folks."


"Community health centers are going to lose $600 million, and disease-prevention funding is cut by a billion dollars."


"As a doctor, I could not be more proud!"


"Think about it this way. If we don't identify diseases, we don't need to provide money to treat them. It's like the diseases don't even exist!" 


"All this means a lot of First District and Maryland jobs have just blown up! I could not be happier!"


"After defunding nutrition programs, the cut I am especially proud of is in federal highway money - down by $650 million."


"I just can't wait to travel - hopefully not by car - back to the Eastern Shore and suck up the love for that one."










SOURCE:


Six-month spending bill unveiled: What's cut and what's not - TheHill.com

END

HARRIS COMPARES TEA PARTY TO TALIBAN

(Dissociated Press) Speaking to a group of reporter in his congressional office at 6 AM Saturday morning,  a flushed Andy Harris announced that he was disappointed that his GOP colleagues in the House and Senate had agreed to keep the government open.


"We have missed a real opportunity here to drive home the point that women and women's health is a contradiction in terms."


"The Tea Party and the Taliban have a lot in common, which is a genuine disgust for feisty women."


"It is certainly not enough for me," Harris said, raising his voice,"that we defund abortion services. We have to completely defund organizations that provide health care to poor women."


"We have to be-head these groups!"


"Don't kid yourselves. That's why I came here to Washington." 


"This sort of literal cutting is a lot more important to me than overall reductions in the federal budget, which is why I have already voted to increase federal spending."


"Look at my record." 

"I am a co-sponsor of HB 217, legislation that will amend the Public Health Service Act to prohibit ANY federal family planning assistance."

"That means that women won't be able to get preventive medical care and will have to wait until they are sick and then have to go to an ER." 

"ER visits rather than preventive health care through an insurance plan will cost more money than the government spends now, but so what?"

"The whole point is to demean women."

"That is what I am about." 

"And don't forget my co-sponsorship of HB 358, the Protect Life Act. This bill prohibits federal funds from being used to cover ANY part of the costs of ANY health plan that includes coverage of abortion services."

"Of course, this provision, if we can get it passed into law, will also force women to the nearest ER, after they are too sick to work or take care of their kids - which is great!" 

"I am happy to cut the budget, except of course for subsidies for oil exploration and stuff like that, but I will live with increases in federal expenditures, like ER costs, so long as fewer programs are out there that offer preventive health care for women."

"I was really happy to vote to make rape a legal mode of conception, such as in HB 3, when it was introduced. I will be looking to make other changes in the criminal laws, in the months ahead."

"My message to women? Marry a rich guy, and do what he wants." 

END